A New Addition//Cohen Robert Carter

lOk, this is real talk. Personal. Let's talk about welcoming our youngest son into the world. Our newborn. Flynn's little brother cohen. We are six weeks past his birth, we've adjusted, we've learned and are still adjusting and learning. It's been rough. The second time around motherhood has been easier in some ways and So much harder in others. You have to bend and break and mend and stretch and be pulled in ways you didn't think possible. You have to learn how to juggle toddler who needs you and a newborn who needs you too. I wasn't prepared for my toddler to look at me differently and need me differently and then not need me for things that he use too. I was so focus on how Flynn would feel towards Cohen that I didn't think about how Flynn would feel towards me, I didn't realize the impact it would have on me when Flynn no longer wanted to snuggle with ME before nap time, or how I would even be able to snuggle during nap time when I have a screaming newborn and a tired toddler. It's been a challenge, it's been hard. I have found myself crying over feeling like a complete failure to Flynn or Cohen or not being able to do enough or not being able to be the best mom who has it all down or the best wife for not keeping the house clean of the best puppy parent for not playing with the dog. Mom guilt is real, it's tough, it's unrelenting if you let it be. It feels like a constant struggle, it feels like you can never be good enough for any of this or deserving enough for any of this. You feel guilty for everything I just mentioned, you feel guilty for wondering if this was a good idea, you feel guilty for yelling one too many times at your toddler that day, you feel guilty for not cooking dinner from scratch, you just feel it all. Motherhood seems impossible some days, it's seems consuming. You feel like all you are is a mother and that's all you do and all you'll ever be. You lose your identity briefly and then get a new one, a bigger one. You aren't just a mother or a wife or a photographer or anything else. You are all of these things, you are a mother of not one but two little boys who look up to you, who need you, who love you. Your heart grows, your life expands, your husband becomes the hero to your two boys, you sit and watch the relationship between your husband and first son grow as you sit and hold your newborn. You watch your oldest look at dad in a new way, he wants to throw balls with him, and play cars and trucks and sword fight with him. He goes to dad to get him juice and get a snack. It's amazing to watch it go from always coming to mom for everything to being dads buddy. They get to laugh at the stupid things boys laugh at together. They get to go on adventures for "boys only". I felt at first a little heartbroken over the relationship that Flynn and I use to have and how I felt like my little boy just grew up over night and didn't need me anymore. I may have cried more then once over this, I feel like it blindsided me and left me breathless, I felt a little lost.

But then I sat back and I watched Flynn with his dad, and Flynn with Cohen and watched how our family grew by two little feet and a whole lot of heart. I sat back and watched Flynn become a big brother and grow up a little bigger from a few weeks before. I watched him not be the baby anymore, but the oldest. And man, let me tell you, he did it. He did it without me realizing it, he did it quietly and surely. He did it with so much love for his little brother. He did it well and completely. It was hard for me, our family, for Flynn. There were tears, more from me then anyone else. We are better for it, we have survived, we have learned, we have grown. There is so much ahead of us, so much still to learn and juggle. This is just one part of so many more, but Cohen is here and we've gotten through the first hurdle. The things that were hard for you with your first baby aren't so hard anymore. The sleepless nights and exhaustion a with your first don't really phase you with your second (maybe because you haven't gotten a full nights sleep in over 2 years) the feedings don't seem as hard, the crying doesn't seem as frantic. You realize that one day, not very far in the future, the snuggles won't last as long, and the slobbery kisses will no longer exist, the hugs around the neck that are so tight won't exist anymore because they grow up entirely too fast. And you watch it all happen without even knowing it until you have a newborn in the house and remember all the things that your other kid use to do that he doesn't do anymore. Then you stop, you watch, you take a deep breath and know everything is exactly how it's supposed to be, the mom guilt goes away because your first kid has turned out pretty good and you know you had less of a clue what the hell you were doing with him so your second will probably be ok if you let him cry for a second while your oldest needs a hug or a kiss or to play cars with you. Then you can snuggle your youngest a little bit longer because the dishes can wait since those snuggles won't be as long in a few very short years. So here is to our newest family member. Here is to the years going by way too fast. Here is to being ok with not doing the dishes, being behind on those pictures (how many edits do I have again?) being frustrated sometimes, here is to not always knowing what to do, to crying sometimes, to mom guilt, to learning how to juggle all of it. Here is to finding the joy. And now eat your hearts out for Cohen Robert Carter